Here at Irregular Times, we can connect the dots. We know where to draw the line. And that’s why our crack team of data scientists feel confident in predicting an event that is sure not to shake the world as we know it.
Dot One: On February 2, 2017, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway referred for the second time in a week to “the Bowling Green Massacre,” a terrorist attack that actually never happened.
Dot Two: On February 18, 2017, President Donald Trump interrupted a prepared speech on the dangers of terrorism to declare, “Look at what’s happening last night in Sweden! Sweden! Who would believe this? Sweden!” There was no terrorist attack in Sweden the night before Donald Trump’s speech.
After feeding the latitude, longitude, and temporal coordinates of these non-existent attacks into the nearest solar calculator and utterly failing to account for factors such as the curvature of the Earth, the importance of seasonal adjustment, and local rates of inflation, we have computed to an appropriate level of confidence the location of the next terrorist attack that will not actually occur. The location of the next terrorist non-incident is clearly visible in the high-tech data visualization visible below:
Location: the Laptev Sea (!), Russia (!!)
Date: March 6 (!!!), 2017 (!!!!)
The Trump administration has only 16 days to find a fitting name for this attack that will not have occurred. Patriotic Americans, now is the time for you to step up and do your best to color inside the lines and create a plausible-sounding title for the non-tragedy. To help you get started, we’ve listed a few preliminary possibilities below:
The Laptev Sea Incident
The End of the Narwhal
Spicer’s Last Stand
Tunguska North II Junior
The Slaughter of Faykhnyewz
But in these suggested titles, there is something lacking here (oh, most certainly). Can you find the right words to capture the absence of horror, the grievous non-injury of it all? You can. Nay, you must! The times require it. Speak now, or forever reserve the right to make up shit to freak people out in the future.